Just make Bread FFS

I see the attraction of sourdough

I really do.

If I had:

• Loads of empty, useless time
• A desperate desire to have something need me but the knowledge that I’m fundamentally so selfish that any plant or animal I committed to would die
• An urge to feel smugly superior to others without the trouble of learning or achieving anything

I would probably make some sourdough.

But I have none of those things. All I have are twin babies that afford me eight to nine minutes of food preparation time a day, in 90 second chunks.

So this is how I make proper bread that is amazing but takes almost no effort.

I’ve made a lot of bread to a lot of recipes and let me tell you, eating it is the best bit. All the rest is noise, waiting and effort keeping you away from the main event. Recipes that call for a rise in the fridge for 24 hours, for example, can only be intended for people on the 5:2 diet to use on a 500 calorie day. If I’m making bread it’s because I want bread, not to have to take a load of beer and condiments onto a room temperature kitchen counter for a day to make room.

I’ve also seen lots of shapes of bread, lots of toppings for bread, and lots of ways to achieve clever cut finishes on bread. All of these make it more likely that a child will refuse the bread, and make it harder to make good toast or sandwiches. Buy a proper bread pan. With a lid. They’re called “pullman tins”. They make bread-shaped bread that is super versatile.

THE INGREDIENTS:

500g strong white bread flour
400g water (you’re measuring it on the scales)
2tsp dried yeast (I use a weird french one because I bought a huge pot online. Keep it in the fridge)
1 tsp sugar
10g salt

THE METHOD:

Use your hot tap (if you have one that’s connected to a condensing boiler not a hot water tank) to put 400-500ml of warm (body temperature-ish) water into a pint glass.

Add the dried yeast and sugar.

Stir.

Go and sort out whatever the kids are screaming about.

Weigh out the flour into your second biggest bowl (on top of a scale).
Add the salt.

Go and tell one child off for hitting the other in the face to get the plastic ball they’re holding, even though there are twenty more identical plastic balls scattered around the room.

The flour mix should be nice and frothy now and starting to smell of booze.

Pour 400g (your bowl is still on the scales, yes?) of this mixture into the flour.

Use your hand like the dough hook in a food processor; Make a little paddle shape and stir the mixture hard. It should come together as dough in under a minute and in under another minute it will be forming long stringy bits.

Congratulations! You have gluten-y dough. No need to knead. Kneading is for people who don’t have RSI, proving they’ve never done a day’s work in their lives.

Put your biggest bowl over your second-biggest bowl full of dough to trap heat and moisture.

Watch episodes of Hey Duggee, clean a blackboard, pull a stick of chalk out of a child’s mouth, clean up milk off the floor, play outside, clean babies and floor.

The dough should have doubled in size.

Take your bread pan and lightly spray the inside with cake release spray like a proper chef.

Dump in all the dough. Don’t worry about squeezing the bubbles out or not, just dump it all in.

Slide the lid closed.

After twenty minutes or so put the oven on Gas Mark 6. Gas ovens have three settings: Barely on (plate warming), full on (deadline desperation) and gas mark 6 (cooking). Put a bowl of water in the bottom of the oven. Not a bowl you love, and definitely a bowl that can survive the oven. Denby make nice durable bowls.

After the bread has just touched the lid (check by sliding it back) put the tin in the oven, lid and all.

After ten minutes take the lid off the tin and put the tin back in the oven. Use an oven glove. I should have said that first. Go to A&E if you did this the wrong way round.

After ten minutes tip the loaf out of the tin and put the loaf back in the oven. Oven gloves again, shit sorry.

After ten minutes get your new bread out. Put it on a cooling rack not a flat surface. It needs air underneath.

Wait.

Wait.

Put child in cot. Get it out again screaming four minutes later.

Wait.

Look at facebook and see that all your friends are learning new art forms or starting comedy Twitch channels to great acclaim.

Wait.

Have a drink because why not? It’s not like you have any meaningful work today.

Wait.

Eat bread. Message all the people who started some sourdough at the same time as you and get to eat bread around this time next month. Have crumbs down your front and a slice in your mouth. Taunt those wankers.