Corner Shop Ice Cream Recipes

It’s November so I bought an ice cream maker.

This makes perfect sense if you think about it. People associate ice cream with summer (even though it’s nice indoors all year round, and where do we spend a lot of winter? Indoors), so ice cream makers are reduced as hell.

I got this one. It’s nearly 50% off! It makes much more ice cream than four people can eat in one sitting. It’s perfect.

Any ice cream you make at home is immediately better than any ice cream you buy because:

a. screw you Big Ice Cream

b. you store it in plastic tubs which means there’s not dietary breakdown printed on the side. It’s a guilt-free snack! It’s not fat- and sugar-free (by a LLOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGG way) but it is information-free, which is half the battle.

I set myself a challenge to make the best ice cream I could just from things I buy from my local corner shop, which is genuinely called Kwik Stop. I also set the condition that I’ll only pour whole containers into the ice cream maker because I am not washing up cup measures and measuring cylinders. Yes, I use measuring cylinders in the kitchen. Don’t you?

Most ice cream recipes online involve measuring tiny amounts of things, boiling them together, then chilling them for hours and we’re not doing any of that for fuck sake. if there’s no flavour in the ingredients we’ll just add sauce to the finished product. You don’t need to buy ice cream with honey and crushed Oreos swirled through it – you can just swirl them in your own bowl you fucking lazy overspending fuck.

RECIPE 1:

A pint of full-fat milk

Don’t do this. You get icey slurry with a hint of milk. If you put it in the freezer it sets into a solid block. Even 1-year-olds won’t eat this.

RECIPE 2:

Two 300ml pots of Elmlea Double (the local corner shop doesn’t have real cream)
One 300ml pot of condensed milk.

This is more like it. I used condensed milk because I wanted to add sugar without having to heat and stir anything. Condensed milk is basically mily-flavoured syrup. The name is completely wrong. I’n pretty sure that if I boiled and condensed milk I’d just get distilled water*.

This makes very rich, very delicious ice cream that tastes of an inevitable heart attack. Eating it feels like going on a rollercoaster in a theme park with a poor safety record. After a night in the freezer it becomes a beautiful scoopable proper ice cream. I can manage three teaspoon size scoops before my life flashes in front of my eyes and I need to see an addiction therapist.

RECIPE 3:

Two 300ml pots of Elmlea Double (the local corner shop doesn’t have real cream)
One 400g ish jar of lemon curd

I made this for Kimberley from Annie’s Despair jewellery after she sent me four hints about how much she loves lemon curd. It’s incredible. The trick is to use the cheapest supermarket lemon curd you can get. Posh curd is much smoother and fattier and I THINK THE CREAM HAS THAT COVERED THANKS.

“The best ice cream I have ever eaten” – Kimberley

RECIPE 4:

One 500g pot of full-fat greek-style yoghurt
One 300ml pot of condensed milk

Now you’re talking. This was incredible. The perfect blend of extreme creaminess and a touch of sharpness and so sweet. Make this for my funeral one day. It is my finest achievement. It scoops really nicely and the condensed milk flavour (which we all have to admit is a taste we crave) is subtly present.

RECIPE 5:

One 300ml pot of double cream
One 300ml of single cream
Half a pound of honey

It’s so soft! It’s so delicate! It’s so creamy! Make it now. It’s ultra-scoopable and gently flavoured and will make you look like a VERY CLASSY PERSON when you serve it. Make sure to say “I just worry terribly about what’s in all those harsh commercial flavours and even Ben and Jerry’s is owned by Unilever and I thought Unilever really made soap so it’s just so much nicer to have a natural and dare I say even graceful ice cream”. Then finish your drink.

I had to go to the second-nearest corner shop to get real cream. I have forgiven myself.

RECIPE 6:

One 500ml pot fat-free greek-style natural yoghurt
One 400g ish jar of lemon curd

I’m a bit spoiled by recipe 5. This is sour in a good way (yoghurt sour plus lemon sour) and not very creamy. But it softens after a couple of minutes out of the freezer and it’s a delicious, different, treat.

RECIPE 7:

2 400ml cans of Nutrament milk-based sports drink.

“It’s high in protein”, I thought. “It smells like condensed milk”, I thought. “I bet it will make great lazy ice cream”, I thought.

No. it just freezes. Enjoy your thin-tasting frozen unpleasant milkshake you idiot.