The best thing they sell

“Steve, I’m just going to the shop. Do you want anything?”

“Which shop?”

At the most basic level if I want something from the shop it’s a Crunchie or a Wispa. I prefer savoury snacks but I’ve usually got loads of those in the house (I’m looking at a box of 48 Burtons Fish n’ Chips biscuits right now and it’s making me happy).

But mostly what I want from the shop is whatever the best thing they sell is. Something I can’t get from other shops. Here’s the list of what to get:

Morrison’s: Ultimate veggie burgers. The best taste to size to cost ratio veggie burger yet. Towers above any veggie burger that needs a marketing campaign and/or has a sheen of “coolness”.

Co-op: Jalapeno and mature cheddar bread. Technically contains a vegetable and a source of protein and therefore constitutes a meal. Ten years ago they used to do a fizzy Tempranillo and I haven’t forgiven them for dropping it.

Sainsburys: Dill pickle flavour Pringles. They’re not with the normal Pringles, they’re on the Polish food aisle. They’re also not on the delivery app. This is why I’m sending you to the shop to get them.

Corner shops: Croco brand pretzels from Turkey. Ideally get the long stick ones. Taste test these against Union State pretzels (who also make most uk supermarket brands) and it’s like watching a Premier League team play Accrington Stanley (who are they? Exactly).

Wilkinson: Chewits super sour extreme apple flavour. The corner shop does sell them but I’m in Wilko now. Also check the fridge to see if they have cans of Pepsi Max Ginger, which they seemed to sell for two years longer than anyone else.

Wales: Please bring back Double Dragon ale because it has a pure 90s taste only matched by Robinsons Unicorn from Stockport. If you can find Y Fenni cheese with mustard seeds in that would also be great.

Ireland: Mega Meanies. Basically picked onion Space Raiders squared. I would say Tayto Salt n Vinegar, but I can get those in Tesco.

Tesco: See Ireland.

IKEA: Bilar car-shaped sweets. Not fizzy ones! If cars are going to destroy the world I’m going to get revenge by eating the most delicious ones of their number.

Oh, and a can of whichever beer has the silliest name. Thanks!